Tuesday, February 8, 2011

It always hurts

"I anticipated this episode, and knew that there was going to be a shooting. I knew it was going to be emotional, but I didn’t know what lines would be included in the script or how well it would be written. The words were so truthful and bare. Pounding on his chest, Jimmy said, "But it hurts! It hurts! It always hurts!" And those words made me cry. For the first time, I cried at entertainment. That was the day I realized how talented Mark Schwahn was.

I have felt the physical pain in my heart before and would have done anything for it to go away. I wanted to die everyday and sometimes couldn’t care less about who I would be leaving behind. I never wanted to take away my own life, but I did think about it from time to time. The pain was what drove my life, not me. The pain had all the control. I was just a passenger. I believe that Jimmy was driven by that same pain. Maybe his was more intense than mine or just different but still it was unbearable. And through this Schwahn helps us to realize that Jimmy is a person who lives within many of us.

"Seven hundred days. High school out of twenty or thirty thousand, can’t you see pass that. It’s only seven hundred days." a character says. And the fact is that, no a person can not see pass those seven hundred days because those days are what we can see and touch in that moment. The future is so far away and unfortunately so is the past. We hope for the best and try to learn from the past but it’s very difficult. The pain of high school is probably the most excruciating for most. In high school, I was fortunate to be a nominee for prom queen but then there were others who were not so fortunate. Those who were made fun of for being themselves.

In middle school and elementary school, I was made fun of about many things. My weight, my back brace, the way I spoke, and my boobs. Of course now I can laugh here and there but still I am conscience of my weight, boobs, and the way a speak.. But in my benefit, being taunted when I was younger made me appreciate others and build people up, instead of tearing them down. The agony of wondering what mean thing someone is going to say next, is not a fun one. I rather be the opposing side building people up.

The thing that always hurt Jimmy was his heart, which a lot of people don’t seem to understand. What is there not to understand? The pain that he felt was not only emotional, it was also physical. I’m a witness to his testimony. I had a year of my life that just would not cut me a break. Because of that year, my relationship with God has never been the same. We had a disagreement about how much I could handle. He thought I could handle three people dying and being heartbroken in one year. But not only that but also the guilt and regret from the previous deaths I had experienced the two years prior. My father losing his job and my family sometimes barely having any food to eat. God thought I could handle all of this. There were weeks I cried myself to sleep. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t breathe. I had no time to breathe because soon the next thing occurred. My heart hurt. I yelled and screamed at God because there seemed to be no one else that would listen or could understand my agony, my constant torture and despair.

I wanted to die everyday. I put on a smile and tried to make the best of life but secretly just rather wasting away. And I wasn’t like Jimmy, I was nominated prom queen. Everyone loved me, cared about me, looked up to me. In that episode he speaks about a time his dad came to pick him up from school and he saw his son get his ass beaten. That day his father realized how much of a loser he actually was, he said. And the look he gave Jimmy that day, was the same one he gave him when he left him and his mother. Jimmy interpreted as a look of disappointment and unworthiness.

It’s one thing to get bullied at school, but at home crossing the line. Gives the child a lack of hope. My parents are like my older brother and sister because they had me at a young age. There were times they picked on me and I’d cry but I wouldn’t let them see because then that meant I believed it myself. Jimmy never cried until the end of the episode. The darkness had finally gotten to him and he allowed it to defeat him. I didn’t and that is where me and Jimmy are different.

As a writer, I know that characters come from real life people. Friends, family, enemies, co-workers, acquaintances, you name it. Characters are inspired by something, someone. Think deeper into who these people may be in your lives.

Does this darkness have a name?
This cruelty, this hatred?
How did it find us?
Did it steal into our lives,
or did we seek it out and embrace it?
What happened to us, that we now send our
children into the world like we send young men to war?
Hoping for their safe return,
but knowing that some will be lost along the way.
When did we lose our way?
Consumed by the shadows.
Swallowed whole by the darkness.
Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?
Lucas Scott (Season 3 Episode 16)"

This is an excerpt from a writing collage I wrote in 2008 (not sure), for a writing class. I hated my remission bald headed professor. BUT I learned to respect her and I am sure she learned to respect me after I finally completed this collage. The color I used for my base was Blue.

Here is some information about the color.

But when I thought of blue... stereotypically I thought of sadness and the fact that it is my favorite color.

My favorite show is One Tree Hill... and POOF! my collage began.

My professor tore me apart week after week. I honestly almost thought I was dumb for thinking I was a good writer. Stupidly mistaken. I stormed out that classroom time and time again. But I thank her for pushing me because it made me want to prove her wrong. In the end, I gained her respect. And although I still hate her a bit, I also respect and am grateful.

(Little glimpse at what "Letters" will be like)