Tuesday, January 1, 2013

#WhipItOut2013

I wish I was a poet and could write sonnets or verses of beautiful years about 2012, but that is just not the case. Instead I will share with you my feelings about 2012 with an impacting and truthful sound.

OR should I say, I wish I were a poet and could write something beautiful yet vulgar to share. Instead I'm just going to write whatever comes to mind and omit nothing.

My year share with a promise that I was given. A promise that was in hope for me to prosper and not to harm me. As time went on, this promise faded and I was left stranded for the most part. Panic rose throughout my body and I wasn't sure what to do. Sadness consumed most of my January, but I rose up after I had been beaten down. For I knew it was not that easy to defeat me.

By the end of January, I had myself my first client. I can still remember and feel the excitement I felt that day after meeting Ms. Candice Anitra  for the first time. On the way home, while on the PATH, I played "Something That I Want" by Grace Potter on repeat. I couldn't help smiling and bopping to the beat.

As February came, I was already receiving rejection emails to my Fashion Week invitation requests and others were pending. Of course my spirits started to lower once again, but I was reminded of my greatness. I received MY very first Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week invite to Venexiana.

As the year went on, I had gained new triumphs. At the same time, I had also found new strengths. I ate less cause I had less money. Made personal sacrifices because I'm a minimalist at heart. With the same breath, never allowed life to pass me by. I still had my 20-something year old nights in Hoboken with friends. All I knew was that I couldn't ask for "more than this".

I kept thinking about Manuel (can't find the blog where I wrote about him) and how mad he would probably be if I didn't live while he had no life to live anymore. How badly his mother probably wishes he was living.  I had to live, if not for myself then for all those on the sidelines rooting me on as the other boo me to fail.

I did lots of soul searching during 2012. After I started, I realized how out of touch I was with myself. Forget  God, religion, spirits, orishas, and anything above. No offense to any of them, but I needed to connect with myself before anyone or anything else. So I began to write. A revolution of writing and dedication began.

I made goals to finish my prequel novel. I thought about everything that was or potential would hold me back and had held me back in the past. The whole time, it was me. My confidence in my writing had dwindled. I wasn't sure if I was actually good at it. No one was really saying it to me anymore. The hype died down from the first novel. I didn't see prosperity from that novel, so why give people another? Friends and family (not that it is only their job to do so) weren't even encouraging me as much or reading things I wrote. Therefore I was no longer driven to write. But I stopped and thought about why I write. What was my EXACT goal? It wasn't to make money, although a great perk. It was to have my words read. In result, to ultimately make an impact on the people who read my words. And only then did I get serious about publishing my second novel. I decided to make it bigger and better than the first one because I knew I had it in me. And I started #projectmoveout.

There were great people I met during the year. Best friends, family members, parents... they blew life in my sometimes lifeless body during this difficult year. Many of them were extremely confident that this struggle would not last. My internal pain and suffering was only temporary. Thankfully, I believed them.

As the heat of summer climbed, and I had no AC but could hear both my roommate's AC and fan on through my wall. I can honestly say, I was fully tested on strength this year. It took everything in me from kicking her AC out the window and saying it was an accident. Just saying. If I had no strength, I wouldn't have pushed on in the season I despised the most. I pushed on so much that I had decided to go back to volunteering. I have always believed that when you hold onto something too tightly, you lose it. You have two pennies, give one away. Always be giving no matter how little you have, you will be blessed.

And blessed I was in July. I went to volunteer, updated my friend I made there about what was going on with me. Then she said their department needed a new temporary person and she thought I'd be amazing at it. Then suddenly I was working for a national and very known nonprofit organization I had yearned to work for. I chose my master's program based on the thought of working in marketing or communications with this organization. I believe because I was going to give what I could at a difficult time. I was blessed with that job.

Success is not about what you have. It's about what you feel. And I feel better than I've ever felt. I"m truly happy. Truly loved. Truly me. I end this year light-hearted and in love. Not with someone, but with a thought. "I made it".