Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Where have you been all my Li ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah F?

So I've been MIA for a couple of weeks and there is definitely a lot going on. Some great, some not so great. One of those things is my grandfather becoming very ill. Something that I have semi avoided thinking about. The other, becoming great friends with great co-workers. Meanwhile another friendship turning to a business arrangement. Trust is broken as well as hearts. Memories are made while others are quickly fading. Even so, for some reason I am blissfully and wholeheartedly happy with my life.

"This girl can write. Have you read her work?" was said by one of my awesome and inspirational co-workers/friends. When she said these words, I realized that I need to keep doing what I love. An epiphany I have often but still haven't gotten. It's weird to think I am a good writer when often times I can barely speak well. Eloquently or elegantly.

With all this said, now I want to put into words how I feel about my grandfather. If I can't write it here, where else can these words go and potentially help others? My feelings are calm. They aren't as crazy as when I first got the call from my mother saying the whole family may need to see him that week. It isn't as depressing as when I sat at my Midtown West office alone and wondered if he'd live. Right now, I feel calm.

The one thought I had as I sat with him in the hospital as my relatives fought about who he was going to stay with was, "I can not imagine how the end feels". Does he feel it coming? Is he scared? I think I would be scared. The end seems so far away. What better ending is dying naturally with family around? The end is near.

Ten years ago, I wanted my life to end. I desperately wanted to no longer live. And when I say desperate, I am not exaggerating. I thought about it all the time. I yearned for the ending. Living was a burden day to day. And now ten years later, I couldn't imagine leaving now. I'm getting to the good part. And how ridiculous is it that I pleaded with God to end my life, while men like my grandfather beg to keep his a little longer?

Living has nothing to do with where you go, who you marry, what job you keep, how much money you have or even how many children you end up with. It's about experiencing joy, happiness, peace, and even growth. Life has much more to offer, so why do many of us waste it or wish it away? We should embrace it. Cut out people who hinder it. Destroy the negativity. Slaughter weakness. Instead conquer this journey.

Yes, I am sad about my grandfather's ending days. But unlike the regret I felt when my grandmother passed, I plan on making this the best lived months he has.

*I did proofread for once